1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen,
only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot
my paw.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.”Because,” he said,
“I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close
down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be
back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him …
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. The folks at the San Diego zoo heard about some immortal dolphins
down in the Amazon, so they sent a guy down to bring some back for the zoo.
After a difficult trip, he was able to find them, and brought them back.
But soon after they got back to San Diego, they started to die. The zoo
sent a team down to the Amazon, and determined that some enzymes in the
feces of Mynah birds, which dropped into the water, was what kept the
porpoises alive. So the team went hunting for some of the Mynah birds
to bring back to the zoo.
Meanwhile, up in San Diego, a lion had escaped from the state-run zoo,
and was having a grand old time gallivanting around town, terrorizing
everyone. He eventually got tired, and lay down to take a nap – right in front of
the San Diego zoo entrance.
The team lead got back from the Amazon with the Mynah birds, and had to
step over the lion in order to get into the zoo. He was immediately
arrested for transporting mynahs over state lions for immortal
porpoises.